I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
