I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
