My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
