Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
