You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
