Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
