Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
