i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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