Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
