Don't you send me to vm
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
