Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
