I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
