remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
