Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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