I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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