I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
