So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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