Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
