Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
