I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
