dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
