Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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