just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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