If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
