Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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