I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
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she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
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Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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