Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
