You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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