i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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