i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
