Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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