I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
