I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
