i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
