Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
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I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
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Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.