Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.