nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...