I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
