omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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