this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
