Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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