i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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