I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
