he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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