I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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