I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
