one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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