I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
