Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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