please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
