I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
