The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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