This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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