I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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