I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
