what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My liver just had a heart attack.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
