She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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