I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
