Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
