Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
