none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
