Just fell off a train. Bad.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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