My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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