Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
