Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
