i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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