I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
